One of the first major decisions we make as moms is the path we will take moving forward. As in, will we continue working or spend more time at home with our child? This decision is made with many different variables in mind — whether we can afford not to go back to work for a while, whether we truly want to stop working, whether we want to dive more into the role of being a homemaker, and so many other reasons.
I think one of the most interesting things about this particular choice is that it’s become a bit loaded and puts a lot of pressure on what motherhood “should” be. The path forward can easily open up the infamous comparison trap where we look at another woman’s life and imagine she somehow has access to a version of motherhood that might be better in some way.
Different Lives, Same Exhaustion
A working mother spends her day feeling guilty that while she’s at work, she’s missing important moments with her children while also feeling pressure to stay productive and focused at work. At night, she finally sits down only to feel emotionally torn between wanting time with her family and desperately needing a moment alone to recover from the day — while looking at the pile of laundry and dirty kitchen that also needs attention.
Meanwhile, a stay-at-home mother spends the entire day physically present with her children while feeling emotionally depleted and touched out from never truly getting a break from anyone needing something from her. She would love having some adult conversations, more structure to ease her mental load, and finally being able to complete a simple task without getting constantly interrupted.
From the outside, their days look completely different… but both women often end the day carrying the same guilt and exhaustion while wondering whether what they’re doing is good enough.
The Motherhood Comparison Trap
Isn’t it funny how we so easily see the things that make the grass look greener?
When we are struggling, we compare our lives to the highlights we see from someone else’s. We only look at the tip of the iceberg and completely forget the different set of struggles underneath it all.
Because once you start having more honest conversations with women about motherhood, you quickly realize that many of us are carrying the exact same feelings, just in slightly different forms.
Guilt especially, I believe, is one of the truly universal parts of motherhood.
No matter which path a woman chooses, there always seems to be a voice inside our heads telling us that maybe we should be doing things differently.
Even mothers who deeply love their careers will struggle with the emotional pull of feeling like they are always needed somewhere else. Stay-at-home mothers can carry guilt around feeling overwhelmed despite “only being home all day” or wanting time away from the children they chose to stay home with instead of working.
Then there are the heavy feelings any mom will have at some point, where she mourns parts of her old self and identity and wonders why she isn’t feeling the deep fulfillment motherhood society often implies she should have.
Social Media and the Myth of the “Perfect Mom”
I think many women are afraid to say these things out loud because motherhood has become a strange kind of success measure.
Social media floods you with women who always appear eternally grateful, patient, emotionally balanced, and living in beautiful homes, while you feel like you’re stuck in a never-ending chaos bubble.
Being exposed to curated snapshots of someone else’s parenting experience over time makes it very easy to feel like everyone else is handling motherhood much better than you are, making you question your every choice.
The message becomes that if you are struggling, then you are failing.
The Real Problem Isn’t Working Moms vs. Stay-at-Home Moms
So I don’t actually think the tension between stay-at-home moms and working moms is really about who has it harder because, let’s be honest, being a mom is just hard.
No matter which path a mom chooses, I believe we are all responding to the same impossible pressure — just from different directions.
Somewhere along the way, modern motherhood evolved into an expectation that women should be able to do everything simultaneously and do it all as well, or preferably better, than before.
Women are now expected to raise emotionally healthy children, have strong relationships, take care of their health, perform at work, keep a perfect home, maintain personal growth and hobbies, while somehow not getting stuck in survival mode.
“Having It All” Was Never Meant to Be a Solo Job
And this is where so many mothers begin turning their frustration inward. When the expectations become impossible, we assume the problem must somehow be us.
But I think there are deeper issues underneath all of this that we don’t talk about enough.
Somewhere along the way, “having it all” started to become an expectation rather than a choice, and I think many mothers are now paying the emotional price for trying to sustain something that was never meant for one person to handle alone.
Many women are raising children far away from extended family or without access to valuable support — the village we really need. We also do very little to prepare women for how deeply motherhood changes every part of their lives, including how important it becomes to care for themselves, too. We expect new moms to simply figure this out on their own.
Even if that’s possible, why should we have to?
Moms Don’t Need Competition — They Need Reassurance
Instead of recognizing that many mothers are struggling under the weight of these unrealistic expectations, women often end up comparing themselves to one another instead. The working mom looks at the stay-at-home mom and sees more time with her family. The stay-at-home mom looks at the working mom and sees more freedom and independence. And both women can feel lonely, emotionally stretched, mentally overloaded, and unsure whether they’re doing the right thing.
I believe mothers are not looking for competition at all, but reassurance. We need reassurance that it’s okay to feel torn sometimes, that loving your children can coexist with missing parts of who you were, needing some space, or wanting more support.
Same Team, Different Paths
Because at the end of the day, whether a woman stays home with her children, works outside the home, or tries to navigate a combination of both… all moms are ultimately trying to do the same thing: Care for the people they love in the best way they know how and in the way that works best for their family.
There’s no doubt about that. —Marlene